In a heated meeting with his staff in the Oval Office last week, Trump suggested that Attorney General Jeff Sessions tell the press that the Russians he met with were prostitutes. Immediately when he suggested this, Paul Ryan, Reince Priebus, Ivanka Trump, and Jared Kushner simultaneously responded, “NO!”
Trump surprised by the response said to the room, “What? Why? It the perfect alibi because people can relate to getting a Russian prostitute. I mean let’s get real people, every guy in here has had sex with a Russian prostitute at least once in their life.” Several of the men in the room immediately denied ever being with a Russian prostitute and were offended that he would make such a claim.
His staff and Ivanka Trump all suggested that Jeff Sessions resigns. President Trump hated the idea because that would mean more changes and Trump is trying to have some consistency in his administration. Trump liked his idea a lot and wasn’t going to back down.
“I think my idea is the best because it seems like something Jeff would be into. Look I gotta tell you, I had this really sexy Russian Girl once, I think her name was Natalia or some shit. Anyways, she had the most perfect tits in the world, they were nice and perky, and they had the perfect bounce. Imagine Katy Perry’s tits but better. I swear if I was a gay my whole life and I saw those things, I would would turn straight IMMEDIATELY… believe me. I’m pretty sure Jeff would be into something like that, and it’s the perfect back story. So I think we should..”
Ivanka interrupted, “Dad please! We don’t want to hear about a Russian prostitutes tits.” Trump told Ivanka, “No YOU don’t.”
Paul Ryan added, “Sorry to interrupt President Trump, but I think the original plan of just having Jeff resign would be best.” The rest of the staff in the room agreed.
Priebus asked the President if he had another idea besides the Russian prostitute alibi.
Trump told Priebus no and continued to sell his idea even more. He grabbed a sheet of paper from the printer and drew with a pencil the Russian prostitute he was talking about. He was hoping this drawing would convince everyone in the office that his idea makes the most sense.
After 15 minutes Trump held the drawing up to the group and said, “look at this picture people. This is basically how the whore looked like. I’m telling you if she told me that all I could do was just hot dog her tits, I would have been ok with it. She wouldn’t even have to take her panties or her dress completely off. Just the top and I would have been fine with it. So you guys are telling me this is too good for Jeff? You don’t think this story would be believable? Give me a break.”
Ivanka incredibly embarrassed screams at President Trump, “Dad stop it!” Kushner spoke up and told the President that he thinks that they should take the weekend to decide what to do with Sessions and talk on a conference call on sunday.
Trump told Jared, “What the fuck Jared. You’re suppose to be on my side, I thought we were family.” Jared responded, “We are family but I don’t think the Russian prostitutes idea is something that would make this administration look good. It’s also not true, so we would be digging ourselves into a bigger hole for no reason.”
Trump told the group that they are “completely underrating” his idea. He pulled out his iPhone and made a FaceTime call to a foreign number. Irina the Russian prostitute he was referring to answers. Trump tells her, “Hey baby, I need you to do me a quick favor. Pull out your tits so I can show these fags and my daugther how awesome they are.” Irina did exactly that.
“You see those mammary glands men? It’s basically viagra (everyone tries to look away).”
Trump tells Irina that he will call her later and hangs up. Everyone in the room tries hard to be normal.
Trump started to feel bad that he was forcing a decision on an alibi on the group, so he agreed with Kushner to wait until monday to make a decision.
Everyone in the room agreed with the President to wait until monday, hoping that he would come to his senses by then.
Trump excused everyone from the office except Paul Ryan. Trump tells Ryan that he needs someone on his side, Ryan didn’t understand. Trump tells him that he could fly the Russian prostitute to a hotel in D.C. and Ryan can “try her out.” Ryan frustrated told the President “I’m not going to fuck a whore in a hotel. I’m married damn it!”
Trump responded, “fine Paul. I didn’t want to share anyways.”