On Sunday night, at the Trump Hotel in Washington D.C., President Trump created his own White House Correspondents dinner.
The event was held in the ballroom, and had nearly 300 people in attendance. Most of the people in attendance were employees of Fox News, their interns, and women who look like Ivanka Trump. The host of the evening was Pakistani-Muslim D.C. resident Atif Aktar.
Aktar was approached last week walking on Constitution Blvd. by a White House intern. The intern asked Aktar if he was interested in hosting an event for the President for $100,000. Aktar who recently moved from Pakistan to D.C. and who only has $200 in his bank account jumped at the offer.
The event started with an opulent entrance by President Trump. Vince McMahon organized a WWE style entrance for Trump with pyrotechnics, heavy metal music playing, and a large monitor displaying photoshopped pictures of Trump. Of the photoshopped pictures was one of Trump with an oiled up six pack signing an Executive Order.
On the stage sitting with Trump was Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Milo Yiannopoulos, Tom Brady, Gavin McInnes, and Richard Spencer. Melania Trump was sitting next to Trump for 5 minutes before Trump kicked her off for being annoying.
Bill O’Reilly gave the first speech at the event, introducing the event as the real White House Correspondents Dinner. He gave large praise to Trump for an excellent first 100 days.
Aktar was introduced by O’Reilly as Hasan Minhaj a Senior Correspondent for the Daily Show who begged to host the event. After the introduction Aktar walked up to the stage with a script from the Trump team.
Here are some quotes:
— “It is an honor to be here, and that is a real fact. Yes it is. Everyone wanted to do this. I’m a pathetic muslim immigrant who definitely doesn’t deserve this, and I really think I should have not been allowed into this country. ”
— “Don Rickles died because he was upset he didn’t get offered to host this event. He said before he died that he was very happy to at least share the same first name as the greatest President ever.”
— “A lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. . . which raises a very important question: Is he going to be a pro golfer after his term? I will bet all my dirty rupees that he will be better than Tiger Woods because he is good at everything he does. The PGA will be very happy to have him, so happy that they might change the name to the TrumpGA.”
— “We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. Rosie O’Donnell……”
— “There was also another elephant in the room, but Rosie O’Donnell sat on it until it died and started eating it.”
— “Barack Hussein Obama couldn’t be here tonight, he was busy doing a radical Islamic prayers. On his RSVP, he just wrote a bunch of liberal bullshit and allahu akbarrrrrrrr!!!”
— “Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here; she’s busy losing at something, amiright?”
— “The news coming out of the White House is not stressful at all. Unlike the Obama years America had to do drugs and drink a lot to stay relaxed. With Trump in charge America feels so relaxed that all the spas have shut down and no one needs to drink or masturbate.”
— “[Donald Trump] tweets at 3 a.m. sober. What a dedicated President we have. Obama didn’t do that. When Obama was in charge he tweeted drunk and he was black.”
— “I know some of you are wondering, Hasan, how do you know so much about Fox News? Well as a Muslim, I like to hear the truth about my heritage, and I have to say we should be banned and if you see us….just slap us.”
— “It’s 10 p.m. In 6 hours, Barack Obama will be starting his fast. And he’ll be doing it completely drunk. And that’s not his right. He needs to realize that because he is muslim and black……especially black…. and muslim that he has no rights. Unless his name is Ben Carson, or he’s making entertainment. The only thing we need to hear coming out of Obama’s mouth is…yes master.”
As soon as Aktar was done with his speech, he was thrown out the back door of the hotel in a dumpster and he didn’t get paid.
The evening ended with everyone watching Trump eat a chocolate cake and getting a hand job from a woman who looked exactly like Ivanka Trump.